Decisions,Decisions.

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Sometimes we can all find it hard to make a decision about something and we can go backwards and forwards in our thinking process and feel we are getting nowhere. This can make us feel stressed and uneasy and can cause others who are waiting on our decision to get frustrated and upset by us. There is often a very practical reason for our minds to vacillate, it is simply seeking more information and whilst doing so is going back and forth trying to check it against what it already has had experience of and the past consequences from that. We can however train ourselves to make it a more efficient and faster process and in doing so avoid any unnecessary stress.
If you are being asked or need to make a decision about something and are finding it hard .The chances are as I have previously mentioned you actually just need to get a bit more information before being able to make your mind up. To simplify the process ask yourself what is stopping you from agreeing to do it or saying no? Has there ever been a time before you have had to make a similar decision and if so what did you learn from that? Use the answers to those simple questions to hone in on the specific areas of information or answers required to provide you with a clearer picture of what is the best thing for you to do. If it helps you to think more clearly simply write down your reasons before seeking the answers to them. Gather the information you require by doing a little further research and by chatting to people. Often these simple steps provide enough feedback for you to feel confident about saying yes or no.
However if you still feel uneasy about something after reviewing all the facts and information possible then simply do not agree to do it. Never allow yourself to be pushed in to agreeing to do something that does not sit comfortably with you. Sometimes it is fear that prevents you from trying something new and if that is the case seek help to get rid of it. Many times though your unconscious mind has picked up something negative that your conscious mind has not even seen yet. Too often I hear from people if only I had followed my instinct and not agreed to this or that .Your instinct is there for a reason. It is telling you that something is not quite right and asking you to pause for a short while to find out more. Overriding that is to me the equivalent of ignoring an amber light. Sometimes when you do that you escape unscathed but other times you will find yourself in trouble. So pay attention to inner feelings. If you have made a decision that you later regret do not avoid thinking about it. Take any learning you need from it by looking at how it happened and how best to prevent it happening again.
At the end of the day we have to accept that we all have different personalities. Some people can go through life and fling themselves fully in to everything without apparent care and others hate to do anything new or take any responsibility. Most of us are somewhere in between both of these. Learn how you function best and allow yourself any necessary time without being stressed to do what is right for you and what you feel comfortable with.

Feed the positive and let go the negative.

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Remember ,always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you. But those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And ,then you destroy yourself. Richard  M Nixon.

Love him or hate him this is actually very good advice .We need to learn to be true to our own beliefs and take responsibility for our own decisions and always make sure we are totally committed to what we are doing to get the best out of our lives

Every decision has a consequence some good, some bad and we cannot avoid that, but if our initial  choice  and subsequent action was based completely on what we believe, with a positive heart and intent, then we are less likely to regret our actions and more likely to learn positively from them and move forward in life.

Sometimes, particularly when we have given a 100% and someone then criticizes us, it is very easy and quite natural to get irritated and angry with them for not recognizing the effort we have made and the positive intention behind it. Sometimes this misunderstanding is created because of poor communication skills and that can easily be resolved. However ,occasionally it is not possible to resolve such issues and we have to accept that we do not always see things the same way as each other and we must just accept that different people have different opinions and let any angst we have had towards them go, as we go on our own way.

The most important thing is not to carry that hurt or anger on with us and allow it to impact our next choice, our next decision or make us not try as hard or even worse withdraw from doing anything. That is actually not achieving anything other than letting someone, who has perhaps wronged you or judged you unfairly win .It means that you are in fact hurting yourself twice as much as they could. Firstly by taking their unfair criticism to heart and secondly by then letting it change you as a person. People only have the power over us we choose to give them. If we change ourselves to solely meet another person’s needs but not our own then we are changing for the worse and not the better. We must learn to have enough self-confidence to have a positive belief in our own abilities, which then enables us work in partnership with others. This in turn creates healthier and happier relationships and a healthier happier life.

Do I know what you are thinking ?

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It is amazing how many mind readers that I have met this week. People with psychic abilities that can tell ,just by looking at their partner or loved ones even people on the street, exactly what it is they are thinking ,feeling and even what it is that they are about to say.

They apparently know when they are being sarcastic or critical, hurt or offended, angry, sad, content, happy, flirtatious or dismissive just by watching them. They are so confident about this that they immediately respond in a manner they feel is appropriate to the mood they believe they are observing. Quite remarkable really and impressive if it was really true, however the problem is that it seldom is, true or accurate or helpful. In fact what usually happens when someone attempts to mind read another  ,they get it wrong .They personalise  how someone is looking at them based upon their own thoughts and feeling when they look  at someone that particular way .They imagine thoughts like they have or are having internally  as they pre judge what the person is truly thinking. Problems always arise when relying on this method of communication with another .It doesn’t actually show how close you are to another if you choose to do this; to me it actually shows a lack of consideration and respect. Both for yourself and for the person that you are choosing to mind read. Neither of these attributes are desirable in a healthy, happy relationship.

I don’t care how long you have known someone and how close you are to them, there is always going to be a time when you judge their mood or thoughts and be wrong. That is unfair  both on them and on yourself .There is no substitute, no quicker way to actually know what someone is thinking, than to stop and really listen to what they are saying. There is a definite need in any good relationship, to spend time communicating and talking to each other. Not as you run past each other on the way out to work or for that matter any other time when you are partly preoccupied doing something else as that too is a recipe for disaster. To communicate in this harassed way is a sure fire way to create problems in any relationship. People need time to explain themselves fully and this cannot be done to someone’s back as they  walk out the door, or run for the bus ,deal with the children ,the messages or any other distraction.

Time is needed to just sit and connect or even reconnect and to explore what both of you are truly thinking and feeling. If something has been said that has come across as hurtful or antagonistic, time is needed to actually explain things a bit more fully before deciding how to react to it. Everything worth doing takes practice and communication is no different. We need to consciously decide that we are going to be good listeners and make the effort to positively follow through with that decision. We need to set aside time for the people we care about to hear what they are thinking and feeling in order to develop healthy, happy and more fulfilling relationships. If we leave mind reading for Fairgrounds and magic shows we can concentrate on truly improving our lives. Simply put anytime we spend developing this quality adds to our character strengths and makes life a bit easier and happier for us all.

As British actress Emma Thompson once wisely said “Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening.”

Learning how to react positively to stress.

 

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In life our reactions to everything can be improved upon the more we learn about ourselves and our ability to handle situations. Nothing is worth making yourself ill over and without putting in to place some sort of structure and strategy to deal with stressful situations people can and do get ill by allowing daily issues to overwhelm and control them

Every day in life we all can be faced by situations that could be considered stressful. Partly what enables us to be happy and relatively stress free is learning how best to distinguish what really is a priority and therefore needs to be dealt with and what can be left until we have more time or energy to deal with it. By consciously making decisions to prioritize the importance level of daily events we can in fact learn to control our stress levels. If we believe everything has the same high importance and must be dealt with immediately then we are creating a very high stress level situation for ourselves to have to cope with. That inability to distinguish between important and not so important can easily cause us to go in to overwhelm and then nothing really gets done. Things start to pile up and before we know it we feel close to a complete meltdown as the pressure to act builds.

So how to decide what needs to be dealt with first? I usually make my decisions based upon the likely impact that taking no immediate action would have and whether I feel comfortable enough delegating it or leaving it until later? I make daily lists up and number in the order in which I consider I need to get things done. Where possible I will delegate tasks that do not necessarily need my particular attention alone to others who may be free to help. It is also important to take time during the day to try to have at least five minutes peace. To be able to sit, have a drink to rehydrate, eat something, take a good few deep relaxing breaths and then start again. I have found that having short breaks actually helps me to be more efficient and effective in dealing with any issues that have need of my attention. A short break often allows me to get a different perspective on a problem and enables me to tackle any issues with renewed vigor. If I don’t fully understand something or I need a different opinion I ask someone I trust for their views  as that can often help me to clarify my own thoughts.

Despite all our best efforts at the end of the day there are sometimes some things which are not fully resolved, some things which need more time and effort to sort out and we just have to learn to be able to accept that too. Fretting and fussing about those types of issues will not alter how quickly they can be effectively dealt with. Some things just need time and patience and it is important to learn how to recognize when you have done as much as you can and then to decide to stop worrying and, just wait and see what if anything is required next.

All of these techniques take conscious effort and practice but the end results are well worth it. As Hans Selye rightly says “It is not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it”.

Take a Chance

 

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It is really easy to give a million reasons why you have not achieved whatever it is that you had hoped for or why you haven’t pushed yourself for that new job, new relationship, new business the list could go on and often does. We get in to an easy habit of making excuses for not pushing ourselves forward and the sad fact is that often we come to believe them ourselves. We can even allow our excuses to cloud our judgment and become the reason we are feeling fed up and lethargic. Often we do this because we are too scared to try and fail. We become obsessed with the fear of failing and forget that not to try really is an automatic fail anyway. At least if we try something and fail we have learned something new. That in itself allows us to have energy to try again and move forward in a different, better direction.

I have written about this before and no doubt will do so again, it is too important to ignore .Life can be short or long but it is for living and not just treading water to survive. We all make an impact, no matter how small and everyone has a purpose.

Dale Carnegie once said “Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare “.

If you are perfectly happy with your life exactly as it is then you are getting it right, making the right choices and decisions. If however you feel fed up or frustrated then simply it is time to decide to take a chance on trying something new .It doesn’t matter your age, that is just another excuse. If you check on the internet you will easily find the names of many successful people who did not become successful until late in life and equally the same with young extremely successful people. You can always find information to back up what you are looking for so make sure you look for the positive if you wish to be motivated to succeed. Your background and education do not matter; using either is just another excuse. All that matters is your inner desire to change and occasionally having a dream to follow. Although, to bring some energy and new direction in to your life even having a dream is not necessary, all you really need is a desire to try something new, that’s enough to start with.

Remember there is nothing wrong with behaving like Goldilocks and sampling things until you find the one that is just right for you. Without trying the others first you would never have known what your real preference was and how to achieve it. Every new experience will add to your life and help enrich it, even the ones that do not quite work out .At the very least it will give you something to tell your friends about and give a new energy to your life. At best it can totally transform you. So what are you waiting for?

A time to Change

 

 

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“Change isn’t easy…. changing the way you live means changing what you believe about life. That’s hard…When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change because the misery is something we know. The misery is comfortable.”

Dean Koontz

It is unfortunately very true that sometimes we cling to the familiar far longer than we should even when it is causing us pain to do so. We can hang on to failing relationships, bad habits and destructive attitudes because of fear and that very fear  can deplete us of the energy we require to change things around .Creating a sort of double edged sword for us to hurt ourselves with. Often what then happens is that we need to hit what we feel is rock bottom before we decide that enough is enough and find the necessary incentive and energy required to let go  of that old negative behaviour and belief system which has been pulling us down. It doesn’t need to be that way though. We can choose at any time to say “enough” and take positive action to let go of our self-destructive behaviour and relationships.

It is a bit like wearing old comfortable clothes that we know are well past their best. Sometimes in order to make ourselves wear the new clothes and “break them in “we need to dump the old ones in the bin. If we keep them, even in the back of the cupboard, we will occasionally take them out and put them back on. Likewise when we decide that we are going to adopt a more constructive and positive approach to dealing with our lives we must make sure that we discard completely our old bad habits in order to create new better ones. That means that we change our habits by changing our attitude. This has to be done consciously at first and daily we must remind ourselves of why we want and need to change.

To assist us maintain daily changes we can use post it notes around the place to have visual reminders and in addition to those, using positive daily affirmations can also  be very helpful. To begin with it will feel strange but if we focus on the positive things that we wish to bring in to our lives it will make it easier for us to change. Persistence and perseverance are the keys to building a  new and more positive,constructive attitude to living life to the full. If you are consistent in your desire to bring about a new you  and continue with your new positive daily habits ,it won’t take long before you will feel as comfortable with the “new “you as you did with the old.

A new beginning

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Every year on your birthday, you get a chance to start new.

Sammy Hagar

We can always decide to make a fresh start, we do not need to wait until it is our birthdays but it is nice to have a significant day to have as a focus for starting anew. The funny thing about birthdays is that we often reflect upon what we have done or not done as the case may be for the year that has just passed and we think about what our hopes and dreams for the following year are. So what better time to decide to let go of anything which has been holding you back or dragging you down? Just having that significant date in our head can be enough to give us the necessary energy we need to make any decisions or changes that we need to. Often we know exactly what it is that we need to let go off and it is really just a matter of making the choice to let it go. At other times though we may feel a little frustrated or uncomfortable with our life and not really know what it is that we need or want to alter. Feeling this way I find it is helpful to write down one to three things, no more that, that you want to change and then beside them write down what would be better for you than that. So for example if you wanted to change how you look by losing weight you would write down that and beside it write to be a size and put whatever it is that you think would be healthier for you. Or, to stop smoking and to write down beside it to save money or be healthier etc the list could go on but pick only the thing or things that are at present negatively affecting you to achieve the best results.The positive changes that you can make in your life range from small everyday things to really big life changing ones the choice is yours and depends upon how energetic you are feeling or how frustrated you are with your present life situation. By writing the choice down though you make it more real and then you can start slowly writing down the initial steps that you would need to be able to achieve your goals. By doing all of that on your birthday you are automatically giving yourself a timed target as in another year you will reflect upon what you have written and see how much you have achieved. Timed goals are always more successful than those left open ended as you have something to work to and a schedule to keep. It is also hard to forget and your mind will not let you just push it aside as it has emotional significance. When making any change it is always good to be motivated and what better motivation can you get than knowing that in another year you will be reflecting on your achievements and wouldn’t it be nice to have really made a positive change?